upside to the downside..

Ever hold someone’s hand through a situation.. one you know through experience and it drudges up your past hurts…well going though it today… 

I likened it to a scab…

No its not a scab…it’s a scar.. a scab bleeds and needs constant tending to… attention..

A scar only hurts when you hit it just the right way, but it is healed, its there too remind you that you are amazing…and strong and that despite how things around you make you feel or think you are not nurturing a wound but a thought… a memory that with time will fade away to nothing…(thank you PF for these wise words- I won’t take credit)

One day you will compare scars with others and marvel at how far you have come..but you will never forget, it is always there to remind you…

The upside to feeling blue- is it can only last so long… the scar conversation reminds me of a favorite lyric…to a favorite song…

You find out it’s all been wrong
And all my scars don’t seem to matter anymore
Cause they led me here to you

I know that its gonna take some time
I’ve got to admit that the thought has crossed my mind
This might end up like it should
And I’m gonna say what I need to say
And hope to god that it don’t scare you away
Don’t wanna be misunderstood
But I’m starting to believe that this could be the start of something good

And then I smile shyly and think about how lucky I am… to have these scars, this knowledge to show me the light..break my hard outer shell a little, just enough to let in a new very strong love…that makes me happy…

carry on.

lucky lady

B

V.I.B.’s

I was never one of those girls with a lot of girlfriends in fact for most of my life I was only ever close to 2 maybe 3 women…  in the years post leaving George and since divorcing Le Douche I have really started to stack my deck with a power house team of V.I.B…..some very important bitches!!!!!

Most recently as I think I may have shared with you I learned that a women I let in my life and got very close to me burned me in a way only a women could … She fucked le douche… my decision was already made in terms of him I was out when I found out…but fuck me running**… did that mess with my brain, its bad enough to get cheated on but by your FREIND… and I wonder why I have struggled with trust…sigh…at least that seems to be working itself out, thanks in large part to aforementioned friends, some therapy and a kick ass boyfriend!!!. 

**Note to readers, fuck me running will in future posts be shortened to FMR… . 

This gave me much reason to pause and review the people in my life and what I came up with was… out with the trash for starters ( done and check)…but I’ve got some pretty amazing friends.. People who don’t hesitate to tell me the truth , tell me to pipe the fuck down ( think Jenna Marples) when I’m getting nuts..

Who have held my hand when I’m scared .. And most importantly wiped many a tear from my eye…

So I’m not gonna sit here and name em all off to you , but to my ladies … Thanks for changing my attitude towards the fairer sex.. You are an amazing bunch of  pussy cats!
Love u
BSC

ohhhh baby its cold outside!!! but not in this girls heart!!!!!

OMG- has it been so long- since July 11, 2013.. who knew.. and my oh my how much has happened!!!

Update #1- douche discussed below, yup out out out, turned out to be crazy- and not in the good crazy sense in the stalked me in starbucks sense… NO BUENO FRIENDS!!!

IN IN IN… is a sweet, kind, trustworthy, down to earth, bad ass, sexy man who shall remain nameless and mysterious… he fell back into my life ( yes back, but that might be a story for another time) after an innocent happy birthday message… well the rest is well history I suppose… he even made it offical, asked this silly lil bunny to be his girl… FOR REAL!!!  people still do that?!?!  Wow…I have a boyfriend!  Im thrilled, happy, and if he is reading this.. satisfied, interested and DEFINITELY not bored.

I am still struggling with some of the same issues, but this time around I have vowed to talk through them, not hold anything back, and just be myself and fuck it, they don’t like open honest with a dash of sass and a few f’bombs…not my type!  LMAO!  

Update #2- puppy is still in pleasantville… enjoying his time, Bunny is a bit sad about this but a recent set back has forced the issue.. more on that later kids

Update #3- I moved!!!!!  A real fresh start!  I found purchsed, moved and am unpacking as we speak a cute little condo in a lovely little neighborhood, close to the train, downtown area, my boy, my friends, and even my family! Next years project is rebuild family relationships…

Update #4- I am not just FINANCIALLY DIVORCED… but legitimately and officially DONE WITH GEORGE!  Gone gone gone!!!!! HURRAY! ( you should be hearing the song… ding dong the witch is dead the witch o witch the wicked witch is DDDEEAAADDDD)

So what can I say, Im learning to live life for the moment and enjoy the fruits of all the hardship of the last few months… life is good kids… bunny is hop hop hoppin along..

I am blessed friends… truely truely blessed… My heart is full, my spirit is high….. life is good

Life and its bloody lessons

It’s been a while I know …

Bunny has been in hiding …

Bunny met a boy… Opened her heart and her mind to actually being with a man, for more than a hot minute.

Go figure ..more than a friend … More than a friend w bennies… Someone who wanted to be w her get to know her … Wow fascinating isn’t it ???

Guess what… She went and screwed it up in a royal fashion .. Meh maybe she didn’t.. Maybe past experience screwed it up… Maybe HE screwed it up, who knows…

What did I learn… In some twisted way that age old saying you are attracted to men just like your dad is TRUE on so many levels …

My dad turned out to be a good man , but do I have the energy time or paitence even to wait it out? Hmmm me thinks no… Then why do I so badly want to. Bc I am a glutton for punishment perhaps … Bc I don’t think I am worth more..

Gee thanks George! You fucking did this to me..lucky lucky me…

What could I have done is the question I ask myself every day… How could I have been better.. My friends say its NOT about what I could have done… That I am a good women… Why don’t I see that… Jesus you don’t realize how damaging divorce is until you try to fall in love again…

Love … Lets talk about that for a minute… Seriously after the pain and anguish you go thru hearing your sig other fucked someone else for 10 whole years.. Are you capable of recovering from that? Loving again?? I have a hard time loving myself after that.. How could i love another person?

But then I met him… He spoke words that warmed my chilly heart… He held me when I needed it.. Allowed me to share in the joy of his child… All things I needed and wanted.

Ahh but then enter bunnys insecurities … Why would anyone NEW want to do this … Your own husband didn’t want to he must be doing the same thing george did …

Ohhh life… Thanks for the lessons… The challenge here in lies with… Can I learn from these lesson I will i make the same mistake over and over and over

B

a really tough weekend

so if funny is what your looking for… not here, not today

yesterday I watched as a moving company successfully packed all of my belongings into a storage unit..neatly and compactly, anything left in pleasentville that meant anything to me…

Georges shit will fit in the trunk of his car…sad but he has no attachments to anything.. or maybe Im the one who is sad with too many attachments

today I took the best guy in my life, my puppy, we will call him puppy, too his foster home, and amazing family who also resides in pleanstville that has been so kind as to take my monkey in for a few months while I find a suitable home for us..I was nervous, not for him..for me..

I knew as I drove out of the nabe…that this was it

it was over…

I was crying so hard I had to pull over… I sobbed and sobbed until my eyes were so puffy I could hardly see…

why was I crying, certainly not sad for george, yes I miss puppy, big beautiful house is a thing of the past, new life beginning, health in my favor, good..no GREAT people in my life..

I called my mom…that worked for a little….she calls it grief…pain and heartbreak that can overwhelm you when you least expect it

More sobbing…grief…makes me think of my dad…I pulled over again… I miss my daddy…he could make this better…for a little…

soo many emotions… one great big wounded heart…

healing…

Bunny

Dear Dewar’s, I fucking hate you!

Ok so I guess I should say right now I have a terrible potty mouth… I highly recommend if swearing offends you, you should prolly stop reading this blog NOW!!!

Prequel in short I come from a long line of drunks and drug addicts… All of whom got their shit together or died trying, literally. George has issues on his side too but no one wants to face em! I came up with a healthy understanding of my limits and drugs and alcohol, did I test them from time to time..sure who doesn’t!!!

George and I definitely knew how to have a good time, he used to refer to me as the frat brother he could fuck… For a chic I certainly can throw back w the boys… True story… Most nights I’d be the one left standing w the hard core drinkers bc George had drank himself 2 shades shy of dead!

I’m gonna rewind to the year 2002 the day we got married, for some ungodly reason I thought it was ok that george had a shot or two or three or 10 of scotch ! All the while I filled my belly on champs ( very weak spot in my heart for all things with bubbles), needless to say we were both pretty lit up by the end of the night .. Heading to the hotel for what should have been some newlywed post nuptial sex… Yeah right !

The drink makes me happy go lucky.. Chatty.. Silly .. Flirty… think Holly go Lightly ( my fav ever movie btw)

Take all of those traits think the POLAR opposite and that’s what scotch does to George …

In the lobby of the hotel in front of friends and family we had what would be the last huge fight we ever. Culminated in me drinking bud light out of a can w my little sister, hysterical crying while he depinned my hair and helped me out of my gown.. Picture of romantic wedding night right !!’

Somehow someone convinced him he was being ass and he better apologize .. Which he didn’t , I conceded .. A pattern that would follow me through the rest of our marriage. I thanked that person then… Wondering of I should have decked that guy instead ! Who the hell fights on their wedding night ?!?!

Fast forward to this summer past the height of our chaos… George comes strolling in the door w a jug.. Yes JUG of Dewar’s…

Sign… hang head….

And poured himself glass after glass night after night…

He got uglier and uglier…

Said things its gonna take me a life time to get past…

Things I may never get past….

One day after sleeping behind a locked and barricaded door alone ( well not entirely I had my puppy w me bc I was afraid of what george might do in his drunken rage).

I almost sat bolt upright in bed and said ” SELF!! It doesn’t have to be this way…. It really doesn’t … You can make a change.. Why do I need to live this way… Afraid,  unhappy,  sad,  wanting more…”

It was like a revelation …. Jesus Fuck… I most certainly don’t have to ! That afternoon I told george I wanted him to get help for substance abuse and our marriage issues … I couldn’t fix him and me….and I couldn’t do this anymore.. If he wanted our marriage to work this is what needed to happen….

He told me no….

Bunny

The stages…

This could be an entire book… The stages you go through, from emotional to physical… Even financial ?!?!

For me it started with fear… I was afraid of so much…

I think I I told you that I was laid off from a very high paying crazy job and consequently started my own business… Equally as crazy but at least I controlled the nuts. Anyhow I had been out of the business world for 3 years, a lifetime when your in sales !!!! Now I had to figure out how to make money like serious pay the bills money with no work experience over the last 3 years … Holy shit that almost scared me into staying.. And no that is not the slightest bit sarcastic . Clearly I bucked up and put my big girl panties on.

At times I was genuinely afraid of george… For george…

I was afraid to admit defeat

Jeez I was scared shitless for quite a while

Decision made , moved out, living alone … Enter loneliness and sadness. For me this was seriously very short lived. I refused to let either of these emotions get the best of me… I cried and made a lot of friends… Even some boy friends 😉

Happy followed pretty quickly .. I was doing it.. I mean I’m still doing it… And I never looked back .

Horny yup I said it.. Pretty simple to fix that one. Kinda of a common thread throughout all the stages… Hee hee

Angry and bitter…. Hmm this one has been tough on me… This monster didn’t show up until pretty recently… And like everything else I am letting it happen… But I work hard very single day to make sure that this doesn’t consume me. That’s difficult

Out of control… Not an emotion but a state of mind for sure… And on so many levels I can’t even begin to pinpoint them all…

Physically I finally got my weight under control.. Someone actually called me thin the other day, magine that?!?

Financially… I’m working and earning and proving that I can so this… That bc I decided my marriage was over didn’t mean I was crippling myself financially ( George’s words not mine) I will be fine…

It’s all gonna be fine… Has to be.

Bunny

Ps written on my iPhone … Apologies for typos

Bunny S Cavanaugh’s Story of love, life and the pursuit of happiness.. YEAH RIGHT!

The Long Story Short..

maybe not so short

I can’t do anything short…

Bunny S Cavanaugh’s Story of love, life and the pursuit of happiness.. YEAH RIGHT!

I promised you a little bit more about me, so here goes ladies.

How much do you need to know, like the whole enchilada to understand the who what whens and whys?  hmmm maybe

I grew up in a single parent household, mom worked her ass off to put dinner on the table and clothes on our back- was she perfect NO WAY JOSE… did she do the best job she knew how… ABSOLUTELY.. we have had our ups and downs, as I get older and stronger we get better- not an uncommon story for sure.  My rents split when I was circa de 5- I think I said that earlier, anyhoo- my dad left mom, with  2 little girls in a palatial house with nanny and 2 dogs yikes right… well again I say kudos to mom bc she made it work.

next few years for dad were pretty ridiculously rough, self imposed so don’t feel bad for him, he was a drunk and a drug addict living with the women who broke up my parents marriage, with out any rights to his kids… this might sound harsh but it is the truth.. more true story… he cleaned up his act, lived a relatively happy life for what was left of it and departed this earth 2 years ago this summer.  Miss him every day, hate having to have gone thru this whole damn nightmare without him…

I have one sibling happily married with a daughter- my godchild!

fast forward, I had lots of loves in my life, I had lots of fun in my life, at 21 my world was kinda turned on its axis when best friends we with call then A&B moved away, and not like 2 towns away but like 5 states away, mom and I were on a really bad downward spiral and she kicked me outta her house, living with my grandmother- not my proudest moment but one that did indeed change my life.. maybe I will say more about that…maybe not we’ll see how long this goes.

Anyhoo enter.. hmm what shall we call him…. certainly we aren’t ever going to use his real name or what I call him now… OK George.. we will call him george…  Enter george…guy I worked with kinda…we had a grand time together, in a relationship we both said was no pressure, no strings…sssuuuuureeee… till it was all pressure and strings and I was moving in, we had epic fights, passionate sex and were madly in love or so we thought.   3 years later we got married and 10 years later ( almost to the day might I add) we broke up….

I won’t bore you with the details, but lets just say I BSC had the toughest 5 years leading up to this culminating event that one person can potentially go thru- here it is in in a nutshell/timeline..

All started and was set up when we bought new house in family friendly subdivision ( why we don’t have kids don’t want kids, george is OBSESSED with the suburbs…BSC works in the big city very happily tags along with george)

#1- Days after we move ( this is no bull shit either DAYS)  my father is rushed to the hospital and forced into a medically induced coma for 6 straight weeks while they try to figure out what is wrong wtih him..note to self, he was never ever the same…

#2- While father is sick in hospital, we ( family) find out my grandmother ( a forementioned life changing women for me) has metastatic liver cancer- she fights for 18 month and finally looses her battle

#3- a short 2 months after GM passes, my mother is diagnosed for the umpteenth time with non invasive breast cancer, she undergoes a 14 hour radical surgery…is still alive AMEN and cancer free.. HALLELUJIAH!

#4 a few short months later, christmas comes and goes, and I report to work ( crazy lunatic job that I loved to hate… )and at 445 pm the fuck I worked for laid me off.. UGH… double UGH… TRIPLE UGGHHH… BSC pays ALLL the bills what will BSC and george do…

#5- take a few months off, start a business, how happy am I I get to pursue a life long drea,

#6- George looses ANOTHER job… this man has never ever held down a job for more than 2 years… and has been let go from EVERY SINGLE ONE!

#7- My father is diagnosed with stage 4 pancreatic cancer

#8- he dies

#9- 6 months after my father dies…I was diagnosed with breast cancer… HOLY MOTHER OF GOD DOES IT GET ANY WORSE…

YUP I ASSURE U IT DOES

#10- I wake up one morning and realize I am so wildly unhappy I don’t even know how or where  to begin…I am 40 ish lbs overweight, I have sex once a month, with a man  I can’t stand to even touch let alone be intimate with…. who am I… how did I get here… what am I gonna do about it…head in hands I start to make some decisions that will forever change me..

That day was the first day of the rest of my life…. I may not have known it them…but it most certainly was

There you have it ladies, I told you not always pretty.. sometimes sad… but rest assured BSC… is a happy girl!

99 Problems…

Hehehe 🙂